Door Cracked Open

When the what-ifs drown out the what-is

In my early 20s, I sought guidance from a wise therapist named Allison* who introduced me to the analogy of a cracked-open door. I had been seeing her for a few months, working through unhealthy thought patterns, the grief of undiagnosed chronic health issues, and complicated recurring life situations.

If you've ever been to therapy, you know how challenging the initial process can be. You lay bare your heart to a stranger while attempting to piece your life back together. Therapy is not for the faint of heart, but it is one of the most healing practices I've ever done.

During one of our therapy sessions, we focused on unpacking my indecisiveness as I attempted to navigate a difficult situation. I was faced with the decision to walk away from something that could be or hang on with patience, hoping that the breakthrough would come. I was paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong call, plagued by the "what ifs" as I contemplated various scenarios. My therapist then introduced me to the analogy of living life with a door cracked open.

She invited me to picture that the room we sat in represented my life, and on the other side of the door was the hypothetical reality I was waiting patiently for. She asked me to imagine that the door was cracked open.

She described how when we don't make a clear decision; we become stuck in a state of indecisiveness that leads us to miss out on life. In the room with the cracked open door analogy in mind, Allison* explained how we can spend our everyday listening for possible mumbles and sounds of what could be on the other side of the door. The problem with that is if we are that attentive to what could be, we miss out on what is: the here and now.

The older I've gotten, the more I've recognized how prominent it is for people to face a "door cracked open" situation. For some, it represents life without pain, chronic illness, debt, infertility, or family conflict. For others, it means fame, weight loss, a relationship, or career success. Living with this door forever cracked open can be exhausting and distracting, creating a life of wondering what could be rather than being fully alive to what is.

Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is shut that damn door.

Have that conversation, end the relationship (or situationship), let go of the ideal image, and embrace your body, including any chronic illness or weight. Accepting the life you have means being fully present and participating wholeheartedly in the beautiful, chaotic journey that lies behind this door.

After that therapy session, I shut the door. At the time, I wasn't sure it was the right decision, but I knew I owed it to myself to try. Worst case scenario, I could knock and open the door again. It was one of the scariest decisions I made. I felt a rollercoaster of emotions as what I did sunk in: pride, relief, freedom, fear, sadness, grief, and regret. For the first little bit, I went back and forth on the pendulum of “this was the best decision I ever made" to “this was a mistake, I shouldn’t have done this.” But everyday I became more settled and grounded in the decision I made.

I am now 6 years on the other side of that decision and I can't even begin to describe the life, the beauty, the goodness, and the growth that I've experienced since the day I closed that door. As I look back, I feel a sense of sadness that I waited around for so many years with that what if. I wasted so many years sitting with my ear against that door, forgetting that there was a whole life to be experienced in front of me.

I may not know what the door represents in your life, but I do know that you deserve to experience the vibrancy and life that this side of the door offers. I know it's scary to close it, to let go of the possibility of it. But I have a feeling that such beauty and goodness are waiting for you on this side of the door.

Let go.

Attune.

Trust.

Love,

Zoë Alexandra

* The therapist’s name is a pseudonym used to protect their identity.